Friday, June 22, 2018

Keeping it Real

So it's been a bit since my last post - and it was on purpose.  I was determined to keep what I put out there positive and light hearted - hoping that by putting out good vibes they would come back my way.  And the last month or so I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't muster the energy to be bubbly - so I just avoided writing anything down.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I shouldn't share this part?  Shouldn't that be part of sharing this journey too?  So here I sit, and I'm ready to write.  But to be clear, I am not looking for sympathy, and I feel like I've turned a corner with this whole mental part.  I'm starting to feel like myself again (most days), and am sure that's a light at the end of the tunnel I see.  In my husband's wise words, short term pain (in whatever form that comes) is worth it to be around for 50 more years :-)

When I finished chemo, I was excited to have that part done with.  My circle surprised me at my last treatment and showed up to celebrate with me.  I rang the bell, and walked out of the centre determined that I would not be back.  The following weeks were weird.  There was the fatigue and pain that came with treatment, but those I expected and could handle.  The part that threw me was the emotional part.  I was a wreck...I was moody all the time, I got angry or I cried for no reason, I didn't feel excited about anything.  And I had moments where I just needed to disengage.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be around people.  I just wanted to wallow. Soooo not me - and it freaked me out a bit.

And here is where I tell you how lucky I am.  I have people around me who recognized it, and who balanced their "get your butt out of bed" messages with their "take one day at a time" mantras.  And it worked...slowly the part of my brain that was finally registering what I had been through started to open up.  I started to see it was ok to have days where I was scared (and believe me I have them - I'm scared about what's next; I'm scared about the cancer coming back; I'm scared about my girls' future; I'm scared I won't figure out my new normal), but that I needed to actively make sure to have days where I look around and enjoy the moments as they come.  I know...such a cliche.  But I have come to see how important it is and I am working to put it into practice.  Having said that, I've also learned that avoiding the bad days is also not helpful - so I deal with them.  Sometimes that means a good cry, other times it means punching a pillow.  And sometimes it means just letting people tell me it will be ok - and believing them.

It is a work in progress...and I have no idea how long it will take for me to feel like me again (or what that new me looks like).  But I am getting there.  As for how I feel, the pain is my joints and bones is still there, most days I feel like I'm 90 years old.  Oh and first thing in the morning I'm so stiff that I walk like a penguin - and stairs are not fun.  Brain fog is still a real thing, and sensory overload comes at the most inopportune times.  But I've done everything I can to prevent this stupid disease from coming back, and this short term crap will be worth it eventually.

On a happy note, had friends over for dinner this weekend.  It was the first time in a really long time that I felt like myself.  So I'm in pursuit of more of those moments - and I'm trusting that, while I'm not sure what a new normal looks like, I will get there.  And I almost forgot!! My hair is growing back! I have enough now that I've ditched the hats (plus it was wayyyy too hot to wear them).  So yay for pixie hair :-)  One foot in front of the other....

J

Monday, April 16, 2018

Next Step almost done!

In my last post, I talked about being almost half done with my chemo treatments.  Well here we are a few weeks later, and by this time tomorrow I will be done my last one.  If you could see me right now, you would see me jumping up and down, fist pumping - you pick the visual that portrays how happy I am that this part is coming to an end.

The experience over the last few weeks has been intriguing.  While I managed to skip the nausea side effect, and my nails have stayed in tact, the rest of it has been daunting.  The fatigue that has set in has been like nothing I have ever experienced.  I finally understand the expression bone tired - it's crazy how much I can sleep these days!  Oh and the brain fog is the weirdest thing I've experienced.  I literally walk around in a fog every day - and multi-tasking has become too much for me to handle.  I really hope the fog clears when this is all done - I can't imagine life without the ability to multi task! 

Let's see...what else?  Sensory overload.  That's also new to me - my brain actually hurts if there are too many things going on or too many noises all at once.  No hair - that one was expected but I'm getting tired of wearing hats.  Pretty sure I will never wear another hat again when I don't have to!  Oh and my taste buds are off.  I hate thinking things will taste like one thing only to have them taste like something else.  Like wine.  Worst thing ever to take a sip of what you know is a good wine that you love and have it literally taste like vinegar.  Eventually my taste buds return to normal, but it's annoying.

So I am happy that this part of treatment is coming to an end and that, hopefully, the side effects will taper off.  Not gonna lie though - the next part on my journey to getting well is the one that I've been avoiding.  I don't deal well with the emotional/mental part of things (I'm an avoider by nature) - but I'm discovering that this one I can't just compartmentalize and shelve.  I'll have to figure out what my new normal is, and how to deal with everything that has happened.  Truth be told, I think that freaks me out more than the chemo.  But, in the words of a dear friend, if I want to get my mojo back, I'll have to work my way through it - and so I shall :-)

Thanks again to everyone for your support - it means the world to me and my family.  Not sure I'd even be ready to deal with the next part without all the good vibes that have been coming my way.  Oh, but before I tackle the heavy stuff, I will have a glass of bubbly to celebrate the end of chemo - that is once my taste buds are back to normal.  No point in wasting good bubbly!!

Friday, March 2, 2018

Superwoman I am not!

So a few weeks ago I posted about starting my chemotherapy regimen.  I am not gonna lie - although I was scared, I was pretty confident that I could get through it.  I was raised to face things head on, and haven't met anything yet that stopped me in my tracks...until now.

The morning of the treatment I was pretty freaked out, but hubby extraordinaire kept me laughing and sane.  Honestly have no idea what I would do without him!!  The treatment itself wasn't that bad.  Got hooked up to the machine that would pump crap into me, donned my ice mitts and ice booties (that was actually the worst part - ice on my hands and feet for 90 minutes wasn't fun!), and just sat back for 2.5 hours.  I thought "this isn't bad!).  We left, went for lunch...just a very normal day!

I actually felt pretty good for the first few days.  I have no idea what I was expecting, but I thought the side effects would be immediate; that I would come home and just want to crawl into bed.  I was a little more tired, but other than that things were good.  Until day 5.

Day 4 I started to feel a little achy (a common side effect).  Still no nausea which was a huge bonus for me, but my bones were really sore.  I was determined (my husband used words like stubborn and pig headed) to try not to take any medication for the pain.  It wasn't bad, and honestly I was nervous about putting more crap into my system.  But by Day 5 I would have taken whatever they wanted to give me by IV.  It was awful.  Like really awful - pelvis, hips, chest bone pain.  It was all normal - but how the heck was I supposed to know that at the time??  I gave in and took the pain meds, and it was way more manageable after that.  By day 7, I was pain free and, other than being more tired, felt back to myself.

Then came Day 14 - my hair started falling out.  I knew it was coming, and I wasn't super worried about it - but it knocked the wind out of me when the first clump came out.  Got a cute pixie cut, and will hold onto it until I need to shave it completely.  Deep breaths have become my habit these days :-)

Let's be clear...I'm not looking for sympathy.  This post was about putting my experience out there and working through things in my own head.  I will take one lousy week for 2 weeks of feeling good - I'm lucky in that regard!  I have my moments, but truly feel like staying positive through all this is what is helping me cope.  I'm sure there are a few more meltdowns coming, but they will be a bump in this journey - they won't define it.

I'm learning to ask for help more (still a work in progress), and I am crawling into bed when I need to.  My family and my circle have been more supportive than I could ever have asked for - lucky in that regard too!

So treatment number two is next week - and then I'm half done!  I know what to expect now, and I am not going to try to be superwoman.  Even superwoman needed help every now and then.  My help will come from my hubby, my friends and my pain medication - not necessarily in that order LOL.

Until then, my weekend will be filled with a cheer competition and lots of family time.  Exactly how I want to be!

J

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Here we go...

Well look at that...it's been less than 6 months between posts!  I must have too much time on my hands LOL

I want to start by saying thank you for the love and support after my last post.  It wasn't easy to write, but I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive vibes I felt at the end of it.  So thank you to everyone - and for the record, please keep those vibes coming.

We are now headed into the next phase of kicking cancer's ass!  Last week we discovered that chemotherapy would help reduce the risk of re-occurrence - and believe me when I say I intend to do everything possible to avoid having to go through this again.  So on Tuesday we begin a twelve week regimen of pumping necessary toxins into my body (once every 3 weeks).  It is by no means ideal, but, in my opinion, is what I need to do to be confident that I've done everything I can.

Let me be clear - I am not in any way blase about this.  I am scared shitless about what is to come.  I hate feeling nauseous (which is a real possibility), I hate being achy (which is pretty common), I hate asking for help (which I will need to do), and the fact that I will have no hair (which is likely) is freaking me out.   I think that last one is just because then it will be obvious to the world that I'm going through something.  I know...sounds ridiculous.  But I'm learning that it's ok to voice ridiculous concerns - cause they are mine which makes them real.  All I can say is that I'm as ready as I think I will ever be - and it starts today with a visit to my fabulous hairdresser to get a shorter haircut.  I'm hoping having less hair to fall out makes it a little more bearable :-)

As for the rest of it, I can honestly say the part that I was not prepared for is the emotional/mental part.  I've always been very good at compartmentalizing things - some call it avoiding, I call it dealing LOL.  Going through this takes me to a whole new level of crazy in my head.  How am I supposed to go back to "being me"?  I don't know what that looks like after going through something like this.  But I will get there - and the crazy will never go away (cause let's be honest it was there to start with), but it will get more manageable I'm sure. 

For now, here is what I know for sure: there will be good days and bad ones; I will feel blessed and angry at the same time; I will laugh and cry to deal with fear; I will alternate between wanting to take on the world and curl up in a ball; I will want help and will hate wanting help; I will lean on those around me because I have to; I will beat this stinking disease and come out stronger on the other side. 

But for now, it is truly one day at a time.  That is really all I can ask of myself. 

Wish me luck - and continue to throw those positive vibes around.  I'll take them xo